Introduction

00:00:04 | Jason van Genderen (Interviewer):
Hey, how are you?

00:00:08 | Mike:
Hi guys. Nice to meet you.

00:00:08 | Jason van Genderen (Interviewer):
Nice to meet you. Thank you.

Tell us about mum

00:00:16 | Megan van Genderen (Interviewer):
Tell us about your mum. Tell us everything that you remember about her.

00:00:20 | Mike:
She was a really sharp individual, actually. She had a really biting sense of humour.

We used to watch Woody Allen movies together on Saturday mornings. We'd go to the video shop, get a few videos, and just sit down together and watch them.

She was a sharp, incisive, funny woman. She had a really good turn of phrase.

00:00:43 | Kris:
She liked her private time, and she didn't like people intruding, so we respected that.

It was only during little visits that things started to come undone, I suppose.

The signs that something was changing

00:00:56 | Megan van Genderen (Interviewer):
What sort of things were you noticing?

00:00:59 | Mike:
We noticed over time that her attention span was decreasing and her world was getting smaller.

00:01:06 | Kris:
I was always a little annoyed by that, thinking, "She's not paying attention."

Then we had to step back and say, "Hang on."

00:01:14 | Mike:
The first time it really hit home was when a very close friend of hers said, "You know, your mum's memory..."

That triggered us to look a little more closely.

00:01:26 | Mike:
Her short-term memory was the main sign that really made us think there was a problem.

00:01:32 | Mike:
Eventually we received the diagnosis of dementia, and after that we arranged an ACAT assessment.

The most challenging aspect was that Mum had no idea there was anything wrong with her whatsoever.

Starting the conversation about care

00:01:50 | Jason van Genderen (Interviewer):
How did you broach the topic of her needing full-time care, and what was her response?

00:01:56 | Mike:
It was a real challenge.

I remember one specific time when we introduced the idea of respite care.

We said, "We know about this place where you can go and stay for a little while."

00:02:08 | Kris:
A little holiday.

00:02:09 | Mike:
A little holiday. That's how we introduced the idea to her.

We said, "It'll be a holiday, Mum. It'll be great."

But she was completely against it.

00:02:19 | Mary:
"I don't need that."

00:02:20 | Kris:
She'd say, "I don't need that. I'll be here at my house. I'm fine by myself."

00:02:24 | Mike:
Honestly, it was a 40-minute conversation that just went around and around.

She was literally saying, "I can't believe we're having this conversation."

00:02:33 | Jason van Genderen (Interviewer):
I can feel how tense that must have been. Just hearing you describe it brings back so many memories.
How do you stay well-meaning when even the intention of being helpful can't be understood anymore?

00:02:47 | Mike:
Exactly. It was completely misunderstood.

It became, "Why are we having this conversation?"

Finding the right care community

00:02:51 | Mike:
Chris and I live an hour and a half away. We didn't have the infrastructure or the expertise to provide the level of care she needed where we lived.

And she wouldn't leave her house willingly. You couldn't get her out of that house.

00:03:07 | Mike:
Eventually, we found Glenmore Park Care Community.

It felt more like a resort than anything else.

00:03:13 | Kris:
Everything we imagined about putting Mary into a care home was wrong.

We imagined she'd be staring out a window in tears.

A surprising first visit

00:03:25 | Mike:
When we first visited, I was so nervous.

I was like a kid sneaking downstairs after bedtime, peering around corners to see what was happening.

00:03:37 | Kris:
I kept wondering, "What do they actually do here?"

00:03:40 | Mike:
The first time we saw Mum, she wasn't in her room.

She was sitting at a table with other residents, chatting away.

I listened to her talking.

She's such an introvert. She always says she's not a people person.

But there she was, leading the conversation.

As we walked up and made eye contact, she said, "Oh, what are you doing here?"

00:04:00 | Mike:
We said, "We just thought we'd come around and visit."

We pulled up a chair and sat with her and the other ladies and had a chat.

I have no idea where she thought she was, or why she thought she was there, or even how much she thought about those questions.

00:04:16 | Mike:
But she seemed happy that we were there and happy to talk with us.

After about an hour, we got up to leave and she simply said, "Okay, see you later."

A new chapter of life

00:04:27 | Kris:
She's comfortable, she's bright and she's happy.

She's as pleasantly happy with her life as she's ever been.

Even the things she used to miss, like her daily walks, she's not missing 

those anymore.

00:04:43 | Kris:
We're also learning a different way of thinking about this stage of life.

This is a stage of life, not the end of life.

00:04:49 | Kris:
That's the thing that's changed for me.

She has a lovely life now.

And that's the key word, a life.

She has a lifestyle there.

Closing thoughts

00:05:00 | Megan van Genderen (Interviewer):
It's wonderful to hear that you're doing well too.

00:05:04 | Kris:
It's nice to talk about it because you don't often get the chance.

Talking about it reinforces that we did the right thing.

This is a good thing.

She's in a great place.

00:05:16 | Megan van Genderen (Interviewer):
I love hearing that you feel it was the right decision and that you've found peace with that decision.

00:05:22 | Mike:
For sure.

00:05:23 | Kris:
For sure. Yeah.